No More Girl Talk

Language has power. Take the word girl vs. the word woman. If a girl has had a period, she’s a woman (right?). No more of this girl talk.

It never used to bother me. Now it eats at me like crazy. I’m sure you can think of many examples. I’ll offer just one. Recently, the final four on Survivor were all referred to as “girls” - by the host, by the castaways, and even by the women themselves.

I can offer one somewhat lame excuse for the use of this word: Males have man, guy, and boy. Females don’t have a “guy” word. This may be why the word girl has taken over... maybe for lack of a better “in between” word in the English language. I find it difficult to refer to my husband Chris as anything other than a man. I feel as though I would be degrading him if I were to refer to him as a guy and especially a boy. So why, for so long did I find it acceptable to be referred to as a girl? Well—now—I firmly believe that it’s not.

To quote Norman Vincent Peale: Change your thoughts and you change your world. The word girl is SO ingrained into our pop culture. Maybe if we referred to teenage girls as teenage women they would take more responsibility for who they are and what they have become. (And maybe if we objected when others (mostly men) referred to us as girls, we would garner more respect.)

Drives me nuts, but I still slip sometimes myself. The fact that the same word can be used to describe me and my four year old step-daughter doesn’t seem possible. The last time I checked we were pretty different.

So, this is what I think: The word girl vs. woman is all about responsibility and respect. I call Chris a man because I respect him. Guy or boy does not do him justice. And it’s weird, but I have a harder time calling the men whom I respect and honor “boys” than I do calling the women I respect and honor “girls”.

Why is that? Share your thoughts.

Might as well face it, he’s addicted to…

Call of Duty. I have been hesitant to write about this topic because I thought maybe it wasn’t an addiction, just a “phase”. You see, I committed my life to a creature that is very cyclical. And normally the cycle begins when he immerses himself into something, and he goes into an obsession phase that lasts for a few weeks. Eventually, the obsession decreases, he moves onto something else, and the cycle begins again. For example, subjects such as exercise, gambling, wine, real estate, cars, sports, and politics are usually the subjects of obsession that cycle in and out. This fickle behavior used to weird me out, make me think that maybe I would be the next “item” to be cycled out. But, lucky for him he isn’t this way with women. Needless to say, I have learned to live with his cyclical obsessions and have even found them amusing at times. That was until I was confronted by a new beast, an obsession that doesn’t seem to be on a circular path, one that has not phased out, but grown; it is the PS3 game, Call of Duty.

Now here is the problem, you can play Call of Duty with/against other people online – there is actual real-life competition. It’s not like his brief obsession with Assassin’s Creed; when he beat the game, he was over it. In Call of Duty your character moves up the military ranks, gains access to new weaponry, and your enemy is always different. And the cherry on top… his best friend, Chip, now has Call of Duty so they call one another and play together. Picture this, a 33 year old man sitting on the living room couch with his iPhone headset in his ears (so he can communicate with his best bud), his PS3 control in his hands, his tongue almost out due to concentration, and an unwavering focus on the television to kill the next enemy who comes into view – talk about hooked in. One evening, he was like this for four hours straight! And another time he jokingly asked if he could play with Chip for a little bit. I laughed and said, “Sure,” so he got on his phone and said, “You ready dude? Carrie said I can play for a little bit.” Did I marry a man or inherit a son?

In order to eliminate as much anger and bitching as possible, my husband is careful to sneak his addiction and play when he thinks I won’t mind or notice; for example, when I am on the phone, in the shower, or working in the office. And let me tell you, he is quick to play. If I as much as begin a conversation on the phone he is playing Call of Duty.

Like a good wife, I have attempted to play Call of Duty with him. The whole if you can’t fight em’, join em’ mentality. Unfortunately, all I came away with was frustration and a little motion sickness. I must admit when I sit down to play, I can’t stop thinking about the other things I should be doing instead. Do addicts have this internal voice? Or have they mastered its mute button?

So here is what I am proposing, this section of the blog will be dedicated to COD –Anon (Call of Duty Anonymous) We will create an area that offers help and hope to family members of those addicted to Call of Duty or any other videogame. So please share your own experience, strength and hope. It is important that I meet others who share my feelings and frustrations, if not my same situation.

See you in COD-Anon.

The "Who Am I?" Moment

When I first learned about identity it involved topics like gender, race, ethnicity, religion, and class. I gained confidence knowing that this is who I am, my foundation. There was security knowing that these aspects of my identity could not be taken away from me. Unfortunately, I didn’t think much about the pieces of identity that can be taken away, until it happened. So what happens when the parts of your identity, the ones you worked hard to achieve, are taken away or changed? How do we cope with these changes effectively? I mean, it is never fun when we have a “Who Am I” moment. And let’s not even go into the powerlessness and out of control feelings.

I suppose if I want to know about other peoples’ “Who Am I?” moment, I must first spill mine, so here it goes... Because I found the man who I want to spend the rest of my life with, and he just so happens to be in the Navy, I went from living in San Diego, a social life that started Wednesday and went thru Sunday, driving a Scion TC (I know, it’s not my dream car but, I felt cool in it!), and having a career that seemed like anything was possible. To living in Ocean Springs, Mississippi. Social life, what is that? Does that include working out in the yard and waving to neighbors? Driving a 2000 Ford Ranger pickup truck, and can’t find a job that pays over $15/hr.

Now, don’t get me wrong, great identities have come with this change. I am a wife, a stepmom, and the proud companion of Missi Lou and Diego Jean. I am happy but, the transition has not been easy. And being a military dependent, I mean spouse, this will not be my last identity switcharoo. I know there is a reason for everything. I just haven’t figured out the reason(s) behind the cruel joke of me living in Mississippi.

So here is the conflict…

The radical feminist side of me starts to holler. “This is the reason women are making $.80 to the man’s dollar, they engage in the institution of marriage and the man’s career takes priority and the next thing you know you are confined to the house, knocked up every other year, and driving to soccer games - right where society wants you. AHHHHHHH!”

And then I tell the radical bitch to shut up and let me be happy with where my life is headed, wherever that might be.

So please share. We all know that misery, I mean happiness, loves company!

hypatia challenge #1

To help express what I have deemed “hypatia challenge #1*” I would like to share a story that has stayed with me since I first read it in Leadership on the Line, by Ronald Heifetz and Marty Linsky.

“Maggie Brooke grew up on a small Native American reservation in which nearly everyone older than twelve drank alcohol. After sobering up in her twenties, she now counsels a steady stream of visitors in her home throughout the day. Maggie attributes her sobriety success to a woman named Lois.

Twenty years ago Maggie used to baby-sit for Lois, who lived in a neighboring band within her tribe. Every Tuesday night Maggie would travel the few miles to Lois’ home to take care of her little ones. After two months, Maggie became curious as to what Lois could possibly be doing every Tuesday; it wasn’t like there was a lot going on in the villages. So one evening after Lois left, Maggie packed up the children and went over to the lodge to figure out what Lois was doing. Maggie looked through the window into the lodge and saw a big circle of empty chairs, all neatly in place, with Lois sitting in a chair all by herself.

When Lois returned home that evening, Maggie asked Lois about what she had seen. Lois explained that she was holding Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. When Maggie asked why she was alone. Lois got quiet and said she wasn’t alone, she was there with spirits and ancestors; and one day the people of the tribe will come.

Lois never gave up. Even after three years there were very few people present. But, ten years later, the room was filled with people. And eventually the community began turning around as its people rid themselves of alcohol.”

As Heifetz and Linsky note, leading the community required Lois to have a great amount of self-examination, perseverance, and courage. Lois was asking people to give up familiar and reliable ways without promise that things would get better. The hypatia challenge #1* is to be a Lois and our goal is to make our community a better place by supporting the women in it. Starting with yourself, do a little self-examination, become aware of how often you critique, gossip, and become jealous of other women. Remember, Lois had to admit she had a drinking problem and get sober before she could help others with their sobriety. The hope is once we become aware of our negativity, we will want to change and help others change as well – unless we enjoy being a member of the subordinate gender.

This is not going to be an easy challenge. There is something in us that enjoys the power we get from ultimately hurting other women. And as we embark on challenging other women to end the catty behavior, we will find resistance. For this behavior is familiar and has probably been a reliable trait in acquiring status in social networks and the workplace.

No matter what stage of this challenge we are in, we can gain confidence to prevail by sharing our experiences in the hypatia blog. Welcome all you Loises! I look forward to hearing from you.


*Note, just because I am putting this challenge out there, don’t assume that I am claiming perfection and/or mastery.

Blast Off...

I must admit this launch is way overdue. For about a year now I have been saying to myself, “if only I had a means to share this experience”, or “I wonder what the world would think of this topic?” Unfortunately, these thoughts only leave me to admit that it has been my own procrastination that has left me longing for an outlet from this bayou in which I live. No, I’m not being bizarre and calling my mind a bayou. My home is on a piece of land seven feet above sea level and surrounded by the brackish waters of the Mississippi coast.

I am in a weird stage of my life right now – who knows, maybe it will consistently get weirder. I am newly married, living in an area I never thought I would be, fighting the fact that I am growing up, and watching my thoughts and opinions transform. Needless to say, I have a lot to write about and I can’t wait to begin my “blogtherapy”. As you explore my posts, know that they are written with authenticity, rawness, and passion. I hope that you will share your thoughts, concerns, and opinions in much the same way. I know, I am probably asking for chaos, but I can’t wait - I am so excited to begin!