hypatia

Cheerleader Envy

2008-07-24T20:11:00.013-05:00

With nothing much to do this past Sunday, coupled with the fact that it was damn hot here in Austin, I watched the final four episodes of the Cheerleader U, Season 2 marathon on the Women’s Entertainment network. The show followed the University of Central Florida's cheerleading squad through the Universal Cheerleaders’ Association national championships held each January. Snarky thought in 3, 2, 1...

I didn’t watch the show to see how the squad fared in the 2008 championships, even though they were defending champions of their 2007 title. I watched to see how much the campus had changed at UCF, because that’s where I earned my undergraduate degree. I was super excited to take a trip down memory lane… ah… football games, homecoming, campus life, and studying, lots of studying (I swear!).

What I wasn’t prepared for, however, was to become totally enthralled in the fate of the squad. Now, it’s important for me to share that since high school and maybe even middle school, I have suffered from cheerleader envy. I was a tall child and fairly clumsy; I still take the occasional spill for no reason other than that damn imaginary crack in the sidewalk. You know… the one you look at after you trip for no reason? And, to make matters worse, I had bright red hair and lots and lots and lots of freckles. I share this information with you not for your sympathy, but to make clear that I have always had a deep, irrational disdain for those cute, pony-tailed, tan beauties that are cheerleaders.

But not this past Sunday. On Sunday, I was transfixed by the UCF squad! Clapping goofily when they stuck a twirly thingy and groaning when they fell down after another twirly thingy went terribly awry. I loved it!

And it got me thinking. My own insecurities as an awkward adolescent manifested into an aversion for cheerleaders. Never mind that I would kill to have my red hair back now. Then, to feel better about myself (I now know), I thought something very serious must have been wrong with those girls for them to be so cute and perky.

And then I wondered how many other women watching the show (it WAS the Women’s Entertainment network and God knows all of Texas was probably damn hot) felt the same way I did as a kid.

Well... clumsy, goofy girls unite! Those cheerleaders aren’t so bad. I guess.

Go, UCF!

It's Good to be King

2008-07-19T12:15:00.020-05:00

Think just saying the right thing is enough? Be careful. Your true feelings are most likely on full display. Joe Navarro, a former FBI agent, explains several ways in which we prominently display our true feelings in body language. In particular, the territorial dominance display called “splaying out” prompted me to share a story.

Once upon a time, in a job far, far away, my boss hired a consultant to evaluate our new program and give us advice on our progress. During a meeting, we were discussing some of the challenges we were facing…hotly. Our boss always encouraged us to be authentic in meetings, which translated into contentious, lively debates.

While the rest of us were leaning forward and hip-deep in our discussion, the consultant leaned back and to the side in his chair and stayed that way. Our boss noticed. She calmly reached over, tapped his arm and asked him to sit up. We were shocked. And the consultant was clearly embarrassed.

Afterward, not really understanding what had happened, we asked her why she did it. On first glance, several of us perceived that he was just trying to “stay out of the way” of our debate. Not our boss. She told us that she hired him to help us and that she didn’t appreciate his “it’s good to be king” posture. It dawned on me then that she was right.

Much of what Navarro shares will be familiar to you instinctively, but there are a few that might take you by surprise. Share your body language stories in the comments.

What We Say Without Words – Washington Post

No More Girl Talk

2008-06-17T21:35:00.012-05:00

Language has power. Take the word girl vs. the word woman. If a girl has had a period, she’s a woman (right?). No more of this girl talk.

It never used to bother me. Now it eats at me like crazy. I’m sure you can think of many examples. I’ll offer just one. Recently, the final four on Survivor were all referred to as “girls” - by the host, by the castaways, and even by the women themselves.

I can offer one somewhat lame excuse for the use of this word: Males have man, guy, and boy. Females don’t have a “guy” word. This may be why the word girl has taken over... maybe for lack of a better “in between” word in the English language. I find it difficult to refer to my husband Chris as anything other than a man. I feel as though I would be degrading him if I were to refer to him as a guy and especially a boy. So why, for so long did I find it acceptable to be referred to as a girl? Well—now—I firmly believe that it’s not.

To quote Norman Vincent Peale: Change your thoughts and you change your world. The word girl is SO ingrained into our pop culture. Maybe if we referred to teenage girls as teenage women they would take more responsibility for who they are and what they have become. (And maybe if we objected when others (mostly men) referred to us as girls, we would garner more respect.)

Drives me nuts, but I still slip sometimes myself. The fact that the same word can be used to describe me and my four year old step-daughter doesn’t seem possible. The last time I checked we were pretty different.

So, this is what I think: The word girl vs. woman is all about responsibility and respect. I call Chris a man because I respect him. Guy or boy does not do him justice. And it’s weird, but I have a harder time calling the men whom I respect and honor “boys” than I do calling the women I respect and honor “girls”.

Why is that? Share your thoughts.

Might as well face it, he’s addicted to…

2008-04-10T14:44:00.007-05:00

Call of Duty. I have been hesitant to write about this topic because I thought maybe it wasn’t an addiction, just a “phase”. You see, I committed my life to a creature that is very cyclical. And normally the cycle begins when he immerses himself into something, and he goes into an obsession phase that lasts for a few weeks. Eventually, the obsession decreases, he moves onto something else, and the cycle begins again. For example, subjects such as exercise, gambling, wine, real estate, cars, sports, and politics are usually the subjects of obsession that cycle in and out. This fickle behavior used to weird me out, make me think that maybe I would be the next “item” to be cycled out. But, lucky for him he isn’t this way with women. Needless to say, I have learned to live with his cyclical obsessions and have even found them amusing at times. That was until I was confronted by a new beast, an obsession that doesn’t seem to be on a circular path, one that has not phased out, but grown; it is the PS3 game, Call of Duty.

Now here is the problem, you can play Call of Duty with/against other people online – there is actual real-life competition. It’s not like his brief obsession with Assassin’s Creed; when he beat the game, he was over it. In Call of Duty your character moves up the military ranks, gains access to new weaponry, and your enemy is always different. And the cherry on top… his best friend, Chip, now has Call of Duty so they call one another and play together. Picture this, a 33 year old man sitting on the living room couch with his iPhone headset in his ears (so he can communicate with his best bud), his PS3 control in his hands, his tongue almost out due to concentration, and an unwavering focus on the television to kill the next enemy who comes into view – talk about hooked in. One evening, he was like this for four hours straight! And another time he jokingly asked if he could play with Chip for a little bit. I laughed and said, “Sure,” so he got on his phone and said, “You ready dude? Carrie said I can play for a little bit.” Did I marry a man or inherit a son?

In order to eliminate as much anger and bitching as possible, my husband is careful to sneak his addiction and play when he thinks I won’t mind or notice; for example, when I am on the phone, in the shower, or working in the office. And let me tell you, he is quick to play. If I as much as begin a conversation on the phone he is playing Call of Duty.

Like a good wife, I have attempted to play Call of Duty with him. The whole if you can’t fight em’, join em’ mentality. Unfortunately, all I came away with was frustration and a little motion sickness. I must admit when I sit down to play, I can’t stop thinking about the other things I should be doing instead. Do addicts have this internal voice? Or have they mastered its mute button?

So here is what I am proposing, this section of the blog will be dedicated to COD –Anon (Call of Duty Anonymous) We will create an area that offers help and hope to family members of those addicted to Call of Duty or any other videogame. So please share your own experience, strength and hope. It is important that I meet others who share my feelings and frustrations, if not my same situation.

See you in COD-Anon.

The "Who Am I?" Moment

2008-03-23T20:44:00.012-05:00

When I first learned about identity it involved topics like gender, race, ethnicity, religion, and class. I gained confidence knowing that this is who I am, my foundation. There was security knowing that these aspects of my identity could not be taken away from me. Unfortunately, I didn’t think much about the pieces of identity that can be taken away, until it happened. So what happens when the parts of your identity, the ones you worked hard to achieve, are taken away or changed? How do we cope with these changes effectively? I mean, it is never fun when we have a “Who Am I” moment. And let’s not even go into the powerlessness and out of control feelings.

I suppose if I want to know about other peoples’ “Who Am I?” moment, I must first spill mine, so here it goes... Because I found the man who I want to spend the rest of my life with, and he just so happens to be in the Navy, I went from living in San Diego, a social life that started Wednesday and went thru Sunday, driving a Scion TC (I know, it’s not my dream car but, I felt cool in it!), and having a career that seemed like anything was possible. To living in Ocean Springs, Mississippi. Social life, what is that? Does that include working out in the yard and waving to neighbors? Driving a 2000 Ford Ranger pickup truck, and can’t find a job that pays over $15/hr.

Now, don’t get me wrong, great identities have come with this change. I am a wife, a stepmom, and the proud companion of Missi Lou and Diego Jean. I am happy but, the transition has not been easy. And being a military dependent, I mean spouse, this will not be my last identity switcharoo. I know there is a reason for everything. I just haven’t figured out the reason(s) behind the cruel joke of me living in Mississippi.

So here is the conflict…

The radical feminist side of me starts to holler. “This is the reason women are making $.80 to the man’s dollar, they engage in the institution of marriage and the man’s career takes priority and the next thing you know you are confined to the house, knocked up every other year, and driving to soccer games - right where society wants you. AHHHHHHH!”

And then I tell the radical bitch to shut up and let me be happy with where my life is headed, wherever that might be.

So please share. We all know that misery, I mean happiness, loves company!

Rock the Vote

2008-03-04T18:51:00.002-06:00

I voted today and it felt GOOD!

Vote for Equality

2008-03-03T18:57:00.011-06:00

I am a fairly unemotional person, comparatively speaking. Just ask my friends. But this excerpt from the Ellen show had me in tears. Forget Iggy, this is serious!

Ellen's call to consider your vote this election season based on the belief that we are ALL equal is a timely one.

Link: Ellen Talks about Gay Teen Shot in LA

The Power of Humility

2008-02-23T12:08:00.004-06:00

Tiger Woods has not lost a tournament in six months. A reason to be a bit cocky, right? Not Tiger.

A reporter asked him this week if he ever dreamed about a perfect season. His reply? No. And instead of entertaining the idea of a perfect season, an absurd question to begin with, Tiger replied, “I’ve had one perfect season, but it’s been awhile. When I was 11. I won 36 tournaments that year. I peaked at 11.”

So, here we have arguably the best golfer of all time handling a question he could have answered in a boastful, proud way responding instead with humility, grace and humor.

Make no mistake. Other golfers on the tour are gunning for Tiger. Several have complained they don’t get the media coverage he does and are blatantly jealous of his success.

But, Tiger doesn’t give them any fuel for their fight. Instead, he remains confident, but not arrogant.

A little humility goes a long way. Thanks for the reminder of this important lesson, Tiger.

hypatia challenge #1

2008-02-07T16:40:00.000-06:00

To help express what I have deemed “hypatia challenge #1*” I would like to share a story that has stayed with me since I first read it in Leadership on the Line, by Ronald Heifetz and Marty Linsky.

“Maggie Brooke grew up on a small Native American reservation in which nearly everyone older than twelve drank alcohol. After sobering up in her twenties, she now counsels a steady stream of visitors in her home throughout the day. Maggie attributes her sobriety success to a woman named Lois.

Twenty years ago Maggie used to baby-sit for Lois, who lived in a neighboring band within her tribe. Every Tuesday night Maggie would travel the few miles to Lois’ home to take care of her little ones. After two months, Maggie became curious as to what Lois could possibly be doing every Tuesday; it wasn’t like there was a lot going on in the villages. So one evening after Lois left, Maggie packed up the children and went over to the lodge to figure out what Lois was doing. Maggie looked through the window into the lodge and saw a big circle of empty chairs, all neatly in place, with Lois sitting in a chair all by herself.

When Lois returned home that evening, Maggie asked Lois about what she had seen. Lois explained that she was holding Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. When Maggie asked why she was alone. Lois got quiet and said she wasn’t alone, she was there with spirits and ancestors; and one day the people of the tribe will come.

Lois never gave up. Even after three years there were very few people present. But, ten years later, the room was filled with people. And eventually the community began turning around as its people rid themselves of alcohol.”

As Heifetz and Linsky note, leading the community required Lois to have a great amount of self-examination, perseverance, and courage. Lois was asking people to give up familiar and reliable ways without promise that things would get better. The hypatia challenge #1* is to be a Lois and our goal is to make our community a better place by supporting the women in it. Starting with yourself, do a little self-examination, become aware of how often you critique, gossip, and become jealous of other women. Remember, Lois had to admit she had a drinking problem and get sober before she could help others with their sobriety. The hope is once we become aware of our negativity, we will want to change and help others change as well – unless we enjoy being a member of the subordinate gender.

This is not going to be an easy challenge. There is something in us that enjoys the power we get from ultimately hurting other women. And as we embark on challenging other women to end the catty behavior, we will find resistance. For this behavior is familiar and has probably been a reliable trait in acquiring status in social networks and the workplace.

No matter what stage of this challenge we are in, we can gain confidence to prevail by sharing our experiences in the hypatia blog. Welcome all you Loises! I look forward to hearing from you.

*Note, just because I am putting this challenge out there, don’t assume that I am claiming perfection and/or mastery.

Are you a good negotiator?

2008-02-04T18:42:00.001-06:00

If you’re female, the answer to that question is probably No… both in terms of how you perceive yourself and in very real terms.

Consider the following, taken from a book called Women Don’t Ask by Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever.

In surveys, 2.5 times more women than men said they feel "a great deal of apprehension" about negotiating and 20 percent of adult women say they never negotiate at all, even though they often recognize it as appropriate and necessary.

Speaking for myself, I know this to be true. I used to be one of the 20 percent.

As a result of moving every three to four years (Navy spouse), I have held eight jobs in twelve years. After every move, it usually took me around three to six months to find employment. Actually a blessing, this helped us get the house settled and gave us some time to explore our new surroundings. But as time went on, feelings of stress and a loss of self-worth eventually (and inevitably) supplanted my excitement for our new adventure. I needed a job!

Let’s go back to the experts for a moment. From Babcock and Laschever: By not negotiating a first salary, an individual stands to lose more than $500,000 by age 60—and men are more than four times as likely as women to negotiate a first salary.

Oops. You see, and I am embarrassed to admit this, but until my seventh job (when I was in my early thirties!), I did not negotiate my starting salary… not ONCE.

Why? Well, by the time I found a job, I didn’t dare ask for more money than they offered… I needed and wanted that job. And when I found a job more suited to my career goals after living in the area for a time, I really wanted that job and didn’t want to jeopardize my chances at getting it. Again, no salary negotiation.

I can tell you one thought that never crossed my mind… I certainly didn’t think I failed to negotiate because I was a woman!

My a-ha moment? Sitting in graduate school in a conflict and negotiation class, our professor asked us whether we were in the practice of negotiating our salaries with our employers, in particular when accepting a new job. One man in the class made it crystal clear that not to do so put one squarely in the category of village idiot.

The professor went on to discuss the book Women Don’t Ask and to speak about the impact of gender on negotiation. He explained that employers almost always undercut what they are actually willing to pay you in their first offer, with the expectation that you will negotiate for a higher salary.

I was floored. Needless to say, I immediately bought the book. And, you know what? I now negotiate both my salary and benefits with employers. Not as gracefully as I would like, because I still feel plenty of apprehension during the process. But, I have experienced success. Finally.

You may have heard Hillary Clinton mention pay equity in a recent Democratic national debate. She noted that a woman makes $0.77 for every dollar a man earns, while women of color make $0.67.

Made me think… I have contributed to that statistic because I have naively approached salary negotiations in my career.

From Babcock and Laschever: Another study calculated that women who consistently negotiate their salary increases earn at least $1 million more during their careers than women who don't.

One million dollars more! Now, I read everything I can about successfully negotiating my salary.

Recently, I ran across a series of posts by a blogger named Jay Morrissey that cover the topic of discussing money at work. I hope you enjoy them (and learn from them) as much as I did.

Are you a good negotiator? Share your strategies in the comments.

Blast Off...

2008-01-29T19:39:00.000-06:00

I must admit this launch is way overdue. For about a year now I have been saying to myself, “if only I had a means to share this experience”, or “I wonder what the world would think of this topic?” Unfortunately, these thoughts only leave me to admit that it has been my own procrastination that has left me longing for an outlet from this bayou in which I live. No, I’m not being bizarre and calling my mind a bayou. My home is on a piece of land seven feet above sea level and surrounded by the brackish waters of the Mississippi coast.

I am in a weird stage of my life right now – who knows, maybe it will consistently get weirder. I am newly married, living in an area I never thought I would be, fighting the fact that I am growing up, and watching my thoughts and opinions transform. Needless to say, I have a lot to write about and I can’t wait to begin my “blogtherapy”. As you explore my posts, know that they are written with authenticity, rawness, and passion. I hope that you will share your thoughts, concerns, and opinions in much the same way. I know, I am probably asking for chaos, but I can’t wait - I am so excited to begin!

Here we go...

2008-01-29T17:59:00.001-06:00

Ok ladies (and gentlemen), we're back. Wow, it has been an eventful year… finally settled in Austin and loving it! I still miss San Diego… mostly because of the friendships I forged there (and the weather, of course). You would think that 14 years as the spouse (not dependent) of a career Navy guy would have prepared me to move yet again. Not so.

In addition, not being able to work side by side on hypatia with Carrie has been an adjustment... one that I underestimated the impact of. Proof of that is our loss of traction with all things hypatia. Since we first decided to move forward with creating this blog, I have almost daily wanted to write about something… an experience, a story I read, a newscast I saw, etc.

So, here we go. Please join us for the ride! We hope you visit our blog often and, please remember, your comments are welcome!